Trying to connect

Me: So guesss who I got an email from the other day.
Close Relative: Who?

Me: Kathy Hughes. It's been like 16 years.
Close Relative: Kathy? The nigger lover?

Two tragedies here. One I've been fully aware of since I've been aware of color differences. This close relative thinks that black people aren't as good as whites, even though he/she has "black friends". The other tragedy and the one more on my mind for this post is that I missed a chance to connect. I generally try to avoid the subject with this person because I'm aware of the distance it creates between us. I had forgotten that Kathy had a black boyfriend at one point and I wouldn't have mentioned the email if I remembered that fact.

Me: Well, I'm a nigger lover too.

See, I've been through the years of of asking, lets just call him Joebob, to not use that word. I've explained how we are all equal yet different in interesting and awesome ways. At this point, 15 years later, when the subject comes up, we bypass trying to explain our viewpoints to each other.

Joebob: I just think that whites should be with whites and blacks be with blacks.
Me: But there are so many different colors. Where do you draw the line?
Joebob: I draw the line with blacks.

At no point in the conversation did I think I was enlightening Joebob with the idea that there are so many different shades to us and how if it's ok for me to date an Asian, maybe it's ok for me to date an African American. It makes perfect sense to me and that's why it creates a break in our relationship. We don't understand each other.

I could come up with more arguments and try to convince him to not be racist. Everytime I do that however, I'll be moving further and further away from him. But it doesn't matter right? It's the right thing! Is it? Even if it's never worked before and puts distance between us? That's what I thought too, for a while. I would want opportunities for it to come up so I could show him how right I am. I wished for a black girlfriend just to spite him. I think for now I'll just try to focus on the things we have in common and hope that it helps create a stronger bond which may help us understand each other.